Life at a moment's time

This month has come and gone and with it came happy and sad times. But in the end it was worth it. I am experiencing life and with life change is necessary. People will always come in and out of your life. You have to look at it and think it was all for the best and something new will come my way and brighten up my life some more. My life was brightened by someone and now that some is gone. He will be back but with time. I am going to live my life either way. I won’t wait for nobody because time doesn’t wait for anyone. We must all move forward with time.

I am now 19 but I don’t feel 19. I feel neutral. What are you really supposed to feel when you turn a year older? To be honest I am kind of sad. This last week has been a little tough for me to handle. Nothing bad happened, I just feel so sad. I have no reason to explain why I feel this way. There were little things here and there that contributed to me feeling sad but nothing to push it over the top. If anything I would have expected Monday to drive me to be extremely sad but it didn’t. It helped me come to the conclusion that I am not going to wait for him. I am not going to but my life on hold while he lives his. 

He left me with so many unanswered questions and that isn’t fair. He knew what I wanted to know. He knew how I felt and I knew how he felt and yet nothing was said. It is quite annoying. Only time will tell me how this will turn out. Only time will tell me whether it is something that will last or if it was just something to occupy my time. As for now, I will not dwell on the past. I will move forward. =)

Why do people willingly let themselves get hurt? They know the outcome, what will eventually happen and yet they go for it. Is it because of the common belief that everything is worth it in the end? Is it because of all those stupid sayings that say it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all or live in the moment and take it one day at a time? You know the heartbreak that is felt when you lose that person that you have become so close to. You can feel yourself breaking down every time you hear that one song or watch that one show. Your heart slowly breaks as you lay alone in the dark and let your mind remember everything that has occurred between you two. You try to avoid those things and yet they show up everywhere. Why do we put ourselves through this hell? I know love is great and wonderful. Getting to know a person, learning their likes and dislikes, being loved and held and touched, knowing that a person is there for you when you need them. It is all wonderful until they are gone. So is it really worth all the pain? They leave you to live your life without them. To go on with your daily routine, a routine that was done with another person at your side. To hear someone say I love you is great, but how do you know it is true? How do you know that is the way they really feel? Through the things they do, by the way they look at you or touch you, by the things they say. Is the heartbreak you feel really worth it? Is a short amount of time really all it takes to actually want to be with someone? Could it be your mind playing games with your emotions and then your heart believes the mind games? Can you really like someone and want to be with them after spending a weekend, a week, a month, or a year with them? Is it possible to be with someone for years and years and still love each other like it was the day you met? It is strange to question something so fundamentally installed into our minds? Love is a roller coaster. Liking someone is a roller coaster. You have the ups, the ones that keep going up and you never think it will crash down until it reaches that top point and then you head down face first. You know where it is heading. There may be points where it heads up but it always come down again and you can never reach that first good time again. You try to make things work. You change yourself to fit with them. You don’t know that you are actually changing yourself until you break-up and you see where you strayed from your path, your hopes, dreams, and ambitions. You hate yourself for ever getting involved. Those perfect sweet times will always be in your memory. You compare past relationships with the one that just ended. You are always sad. You watch sad movies to let yourself cry because you are strong. You won’t cry over a person that would leave you. You eat junk food and watch those sad movies and you cry. You reached the bottom. The end of the ride and then your friends push out into the dating world again, but are you really ready? Do you really want to get on another ride? Do you really want to go through this all over again so you can hopefully find that one person that you are “destined” to be with? Is destiny really involved with love? Are we destined to be that one person that compliments us to the point that we can be happy with them forever? Honestly is it really worth it? Can you honestly say it was all worth it in the end? Did the good times really outweigh all the bad times that occurred? Can you honestly say that you are happy?

estoyaprendiendo:

I want to go home. I miss my mom and her food. I miss my bed and my friends. I want to see my dogs and be able to wash my car. I want to do laundry and my clothes actually be clean when it is done. I want to relax and breathe and not stress. I want no responsibilities and no emotions. I want to feel no pain. I want to be free and alone and with everybody. I want to see my nephew and see him grow. I want to be there for my cousin. I want to be there for my oldest nephew. I want to see my sisters, all of them. I want to go to Vegas and San Diego. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want that hug that makes me feel safe. I want that person who finishes my sentences. I miss him and I want him back. First loves suck. I wish I never loved him or knew him. I want to go far away and never come back. I want him to notice me. I want him to see me. I want him to like me. He is really nice and sweet and funny. At times he notices me and I love it when he does. I am glad I met him and tackled him. lol oh rugby look what you have done to me. You make me feel pain and adrenaline. You make me feel welcome and needed and like i have a family at school. I love it.

So apparently an ex boyfriend of one my roommates thinks I hate him. I found this to be hilarious because you know what I don’t hate him. I dislike him. The only reason he has for his thinking that I hate his is because I disagreed with him on certain things. I have only disagreed with him on three things but these three things so greatly offended him that he thought it completely necessary to block me on facebook. I really don’t care but again I found it hilarious that he is threatened by me in such a way. I mean come on. I am 4 feet 11 inches and not intimidating. I do play rugby but even then people underestimate my strength. I found out that he thinks I hate me through IM. I am not a scary person. I am actually really nice. I mean I am biased because I am me but still. The conversation I had was really intense and it got to the point to where I really want to tackle him. If he was in the room and we had this conversation, i would not have tackled him. He just really frustrates me because he doesn’t know when to accept defeat. He moves on to a different subject to try to make his point but it doesn’t work. But he will continue to push it until you start talking about that point he wants you to talk about. It is extremely frustrating. Something about him really gets my skin crawling and my head hurting. I don’t hate him but i really dislike him. He doesn’t respect people’s opinions therefore why should I respect his. But to make this post more clear, what made my night was that he said he blocked me on facebook. I am not even his friend on facebook. I don’t talk to him at all. The only time I do talk to him is when my roommate posts something and he says something that I think is completely idiotic. Another thing that made my night was that when I said that I was going to his house with my roommate to pick up some of her stuff, he said that he doesn’t want me to go over because he isn’t sure how he will like to get tackled in his own house. IDK but that was extremely hilarious. Anyway time to continue my sociology homework.

I want to go far away and never return. Something I know I want greatly at times but I know it will never happen. The love I have for my family and my friends is to great to just get up and leave and never return. It shows disrespect and lack of love.

 Love… it is an interesting concept. You don’t know what it is. It is not purely defined but it is an intense feeling. It can be a great feeling and then it can just kick you in the gut so hard that you can’t breathe. That is love. It is a great emotion with a good and bad side. lol like sour patch kids. I am just kidding.

 Love… what is my experience with love you ask, well it is was a good experience while it lasted. I love my friends and family but the love you experience for another  person, your lover, is completely different.

Love… My first love was amazing. Love is being on the phone for hours and not having to say anything because nothing has to be said. It is not awkward or silly. You finish each other’s sentences and you love to be around that one person. You feel extremely safe in their arms. Their hugs keep you warm and fills you with indescribable happiness and safeness. Being near them makes you happy and being part makes you grow. Holding their hand makes you never want to let go but letting them go makes you grow. You rely on this person and in turn they rely on you. You tell them your deepest secrets and they tell you theirs. You are comfortable with them. You are happy with them. You miss them. You loathe them but then you crave them.

Love… It is being apart and then wanting to be back with them. It is having a indescribable respect that one person. You respect them, their opinions, their thoughts, their actions, everything.

Love… It has nothing to do with looks. It involves feelings, actions, speech. It is about the simple gesture of a small hug when you are sad. Saying ” I miss you” when you apart. Having those little inside jokes that you get but others don’t. Having a routine and when you break it, they notice.

I remember when I was in a relationship with one of my exes, I would always call at 6:30 because then I would be using our roll over minutes instead of the plan minutes. I didn’t want to go over the minutes. I was to busy to call him so we didn’t talk for a day or two. When I did end up calling, he said, “right on time.” He knew the time I would call. I guess it was always right at 630 when I called and everybody at his house knew that it was me when I called for that reason.

He was my first boyfriend. He gave me my first kiss. He was the first guy I brought home and the only one since. I experienced many first with him. He understood me and I understood him.

Love… It doesn’t last forever. On the rare occasions when you meet the right person for you, the one that completes you and makes you feel whole and happy, then that love lasts forever. It will grow and blossom.

Love… It is like a flower. It starts as a little seed that is buried in your heart. As you water it, it begins to grow and grow. The more you love, the more it grows and blossoms. The more it blossoms the prettier the flower becomes. At times, it can begin to wilt but if you take care of it and treat right and feed it, it will begin to grow again.

Love is like a flower. Enjoy the beauty of it. Enjoy the experience of making it grow and blossom. If the flower happens to wilt to the point of no going back, relax and try to plant a new one. Never give up on growing your flower.

I am tired. I am tired of people thinking it is ok to judge others because of their looks. I am tired of people talking behind others back.It is NOT ok. Those people who judge do NOT know what others have to go through in their lives. They DON’T know what those people who are being judge have to deal with. They DON’T know the pain these people have to go through. They DON’T know the pain they cause due to their judgement. They DON’T understand how much it hurts to hear what those people who are judging have to say about you. THEY DON’T KNOW and THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND!

I have gone all my life with people judging me on my looks. I am a short, voluptuous woman. I am proud of that. I am healthy and I am smart. DO NOT judge me on my looks. Judge me on what I say, what I do, how I act. Look at me for who I am, NOT what I look like. Since I was little I had to deal with stupid little kids that grow up to rude teenagers who like to call me fat and ugly. I had to deal and still deal with a mother who is not proud of her body or my body. I don’t need others to tell me what I already know. I DON’T need other to tell me! I believe I am a beautiful person both inside and out. I may not be a tall, skinny person but I am happy the way I am. I AM proud of the person I am. I AM proud of the way I look like. People need to get past the whole “looks” of others. They need to focus on PERSONALITY first rather than looks. Looks should just be an added bonus. Why can’t people just move past it? Why can’t be people just leave others alone? Why? Why? Why?

 My words fall on closed ears but one day those closed ears will open and they will see the hurt they have caused others. They will see the pain they have caused due to the snickering comments told to others secretly. They will see the harm the was caused and they will feel guilty. Then and only then will their ears open and they will be sorry. But no matter how much they wished to take it all back and no matter how sorry they are, they will never be able to take it back. They will live with the guilt. For guilt lets you know when you have done something wrong. In my religion class that I took my fall semester at CLU, I was assigned to read “Rumors of another World” by Philip Yancey. Within one of the chapters it states that guilt lets you know when you have wrong or sinned. Guilt is a gift from God that helps you understand when you have sinned or done wrong. They will know that they wronged that person but it will be too late to take it back. It is karma. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. It is the GOLDEN RULE. Remember it. It changes your life and outlook on everything.